Elli Purtell_NPN_Contributor

Like many milestones in motherhood, I turned to social media and my friends who were moms to set my expectations for returning to work after maternity leave with my first daughter. The narrative was this: You will dread the end of maternity leave and curse the swift passage of time. You will feel your heart break and probably sob as you leave your child with another care provider. You will spend your entire work day trying to focus while only being able to think of your child. You will feel pulled in two directions, but mostly in one direction: home with your baby. When my turn came to drop off my 3-month-old at daycare, however, I found that very little of my experience mirrored the typical tale. Although I had some anxiety about leaving her with relative strangers for the first time, after just one week back at work, I felt unexpectedly happy and at peace. [Related: 3 things working moms shouldn't feel guilty about] Perhaps it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that I felt relief when others felt dread. After all, much of my postpartum experience to that point had veered from what seemed to be the norm. I struggled with postpartum depression, which left me feeling distant and somewhat detached from my daughter. I felt lost, scared and completely out of my element. My daughter was a horrible sleeper, making me a jittery, barely-present zombie just trying to make it through every day. When I was back at work, it felt like a gift to put my mind toward a challenge outside the eat-sleep-diaper routine, laugh with coworkers, look presentable and use the bathroom or drink a cup of coffee uninterrupted. After three months of total shell shock, I felt like I was seeing the sun again. As the months passed and I slowly overcame PPD and yet still had no greater desire to be at home, I started to feel guilty. I wondered what my happiness at work said about me. How could I be the only one who seemed absolutely certain that working five days a week was the best thing for me? If I were a more natural mother, would I want to be home with my baby like everyone else? [Related: Navigating the Great Resignation as a parent] But motherhood, it turns out, is much like the introvert/extrovert dichotomy. Where some moms derive their energy and sense of purpose from working, others find it at home with their kids (or some combination of the two). When motherhood worries consume me or I have a bad night of sleep, work provides a chance to step away, surround myself with other adults and remember that life goes on. Work helps me recharge my emotional batteries and regain my sense of self so that I'm a happier, healthier, more confident mom. Best of all, the fulfillment I get from work makes me the best version of myself so that I can be the best mom to my daughters. After several years as a working mom, I've become more comfortable in my skin. And the more conversations I have with other moms, the more I realize I’m not actually alone after all. During a daycare social event last summer, another mom confessed to me in a hushed tone, “Sometimes the weekends are so long and hard for me. Sometimes…I look forward to Monday. Am I a horrible person?” I smiled as I told her, with confidence and not an ounce of guilt, that I felt the exact same way.

In June 2021, we visited friends in the suburbs for a “pandemic baby” party. With all adults vaccinated and the older kids wearing masks, we gathered outside to hug friends we hadn’t seen in 18 months and meet the eight new babies among us who had come into the world during that time. Although COVID-19 was far from gone, the event was symbolic — something of a bookend to my pregnancy, birth and postpartum experience, all of which took place during the pandemic. My husband and I had planned to try for our second baby in late spring of 2020, but the uncertainty of the pandemic threw all that into question. However, after realizing that our lives were in many ways safer than ever with strict quarantining, and based on the encouragement of my OB, we decided to go for it. Many people over the course of the year asked me how it felt to be pregnant and have a newborn during the pandemic, often commenting, “You must be so nervous!” Admittedly, some parts were nerve-wracking. I wish my husband could have attended the 8-week and 20-week appointments with me, for example. And it was certainly stressful to worry about having my parents quarantine for long enough before coming to help after the birth. But more often than not, the experience proved to be a bright light in an otherwise dark period. Here are the four reasons I enjoyed having a pandemic baby. 1. I didn’t have to see many people in person. As most second-time moms can attest, you start showing a lot earlier with the second pregnancy, often well before you’re ready to share the news. Without in-person gatherings and in-office work, I didn’t have to take pains to hide my growing bump or morning sickness. In fact, some of my coworkers from other departments didn’t even know I was pregnant until they saw my out-of-office maternity leave message. [Related: A tale of two postpartum experiences] 2. I didn’t miss out on social events. When I was pregnant with my first, I found it difficult to adjust from having an active social life to sitting on the sidelines. Pregnancy can feel like you’re frozen in time as the rest of the world moves forward without you. Although I tried to remain as social as possible, I couldn’t help but feel left out when I had to drink water at a work happy hour or duck out early from a late dinner with friends. With a pandemic baby, most social events fell to the wayside for everyone. I didn’t feel like I was missing out because, unfortunately, everyone was missing out. 3. I got to savor the final months of having a family of three. Although the pandemic introduced an overwhelming degree of chaos for parents, particularly those of school-age kids, it also provided an opportunity to spend more quality time with the family. Without the distractions of playdates, activities and trips to visit family and friends back home, my husband and I were able to soak up time with our 3-year-old. Christmas, which usually involves a whirlwind tour of Wisconsin to see as much family as possible, last year consisted of the three of us making dinner and enjoying a quiet evening opening gifts in front of the tree. I remember moments where I just sat and marveled at my daughter’s beautiful face, grateful for her, our health, and our safety. I had time to be in the moment with her, before life changed drastically once again. [Related: Is your relationship ready for baby? 4 tips to prepare your partnership] 4. I had hope for the future when every other part of life felt hopeless. The degree of uncertainty, fear of illness, sadness over the thousands of deaths in the U.S. alone, and stress of working with a child at home were enough to feel like the world was ending. Pregnancy provided an escape, a chance to see the future through a hopeful lens when the world was crumbling around us. Bringing new life into the world felt like an act of defiance in the face of a relentless virus that took so many lives. I’ll always be grateful for the joy my pregnancy provided when little else did. As fortunate as I feel to have had a positive experience with pregnancy during the pandemic, nothing compares to the privilege of living a safe, healthy, and normal life. When I attended the pandemic baby party last summer, it was emotional and somewhat surreal. The other moms and I found ourselves reminiscing about the experience and swapping stories from the previous year. But soon enough, the pandemic talk got old. With our spouses laughing on the deck and our children playing together in the sprinkler, we decided to spend the rest of the day looking to the future — to the joys of normal, routine life we hoped were right around the corner.

A day or so after giving birth to my first baby, a terror set in — a realization that my life had forever changed. I felt like a stranger in the world, going through the motions of being a mom on the outside while quietly panicking on the inside. As someone with lifelong anxiety and OCD tendencies, I had prepared myself for the possibility of increased anxiety after birth. I figured I’d be able to manage any slight fluctuations like I had during other periods of my life, so I was confused when, over the coming weeks, I couldn’t seem to get a grip. I was tired — and not just from lack of sleep. I felt emotionally overwhelmed and wanted nothing more than to go to bed, alone. I cried daily, sometimes without warning. I couldn’t focus on anything, including even the most lighthearted, simple TV shows. I longed for my pre-baby life with just my husband, when everything was familiar and easy. Worst of all, I felt detached from my daughter, yet unable to leave her side. Eventually, I came to realize that I wasn’t experiencing increased anxiety; I was experiencing postpartum depression (PPD). Recovery and reset Even after acknowledging that I had PPD, it took months for the feelings to subside. Only after my daughter turned one did I feel like I could breathe again. I remained incredibly scarred by those dark early months and couldn’t fathom going through it all again. Yet my husband and I had always known we wanted another child. So, eventually, I decided to reach out for professional help. [Related: Is your relationship ready for baby? 4 tips to prepare your partnership] Well in advance of trying for a second child, I contacted Flourish Wellness & Counseling, which provides therapy, advocacy and resources focused on perinatal mental health. I met with a therapist there who helped me process the lingering sadness, regret, and guilt brought on by my first postpartum experience. We revisited the difficult moments and, over many months, came up with a plan for how to handle my next postpartum period, whenever that time came. This plan involved: • Increasing my anxiety medication during my third trimester, a move whole-heartedly supported by the OBs at Northwestern Medical Group • Leaning on a solid support system, including my husband, parents and friends • Signing up for couples therapy through Flourish to give my husband and me the tools to collaboratively manage another potential experience with PPD • Joining a virtual second-time moms group through The Chicago New Moms Group to stay connected during the isolation of the pandemic Round two I became pregnant with my second child — another daughter — during the pandemic and gave birth in early January 2021. I felt an immediate bond with her, which was surreal, beautiful and welcome. I didn’t feel the terror I did the first time around because I had been through it all before. I also felt much more mentally balanced, thanks to the increased medication and a focus on getting at least one solid stretch of sleep each night by sharing feeding duties with my husband. [Related: Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders - The Most Common Complication of Pregnancy and Childbirth (members-only video)] By the time I returned to work at the 3-month mark, I felt triumphant. I had made it through the first few hard months and had even enjoyed parts of it. But just as I was celebrating my lack of depression, I started to notice some other troubling behaviors. I felt jittery and unsettled. I would often lie awake after night feeds, unable to turn my brain off. I started to have intrusive thoughts about something terrible (and terribly unrealistic) happening to my girls. I became snippy and irritable with all the worry swirling inside. Talking to my therapist, I realized that, while I had been hyper-focused on PPD, postpartum anxiety (PPA) had crept in. Using the resources I had already built in, however, I felt equipped to handle this unexpected turn of events. I talked to my husband, friends and family about what I was feeling. I visited my primary care provider, who adjusted my thyroid medication, and I spent many hours talking to my therapist. She helped me sort through my anxious thoughts, telling me that each postpartum experience differs, falling somewhere new on the spectrum of anxiety and depression. She also helped normalize my feelings, saying how common and even natural PPA is, given the fluctuating hormones and massive responsibility mothers feel. With her help, I was better able to compartmentalize my ruminating thoughts and prioritize self-care to get to a healthier place. The other side As I'm writing this, seven months into my second postpartum experience, I can honestly say I feel back to my normal self. I’m happy, healthy and (mostly) relaxed. Although I wish some parts of my postpartum experiences had been different, I’m grateful that I have an understanding of both ends of the spectrum so I can be a sounding board for other mothers going through the same thing. Mostly, I’m grateful for the resources available that gave me the courage to have a second child and discover some of the joy I had missed out on before.